Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.