Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho