Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Take care of yourself, ladies
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
dril cadence
My first child will be named New Folder.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.