Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*![]()
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*