detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers