detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
when revenge coincides with naptime
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Left at a local drug store…
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?