detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.