Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed