DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.