Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
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i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
“My body wasn’t designed for this.”
– me, getting out of bed
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.