@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

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@ericsshadow

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@platinum2000

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

@glamoureptile

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

@KatieBurnett

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

@hoplesslycrazy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

@OtherDanOBrien

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

@genehunter1

I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.