@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

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@Tmoney68

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@robyndwoskin

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@QueenofSparta

Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.

@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.