[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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It’s an epidemic…
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent