Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

the three branches of government

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.