Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Please do it!

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Sell your car

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?