Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

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