Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Customize Your Wedding.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago