Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

i spent way too long on this

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

pain

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.