DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
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ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
