detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Care for your back
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
October 31
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial