Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing