detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.