Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!