Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss this era type of pranks😭

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.