Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
