Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?