Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Reminder:

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.