Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
everyone’s a critic
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me