Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.