Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.