Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop