Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears


My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.


My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.


Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.


date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer


Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”


I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.


my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.