@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

You Might Also Like

@robfee

If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@fro_vo

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

@GrapeSodaJamb

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

@Brampersandon_

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

@TheTrueDocLove

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

@JohnFugelsang

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?