me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Detective: Between the hour-
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
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“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.