@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

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@MichaelGoffLA

“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@better_off_dad

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

@only_one_ee

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@shegotagronk

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

@SamGrittner

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.