Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO