Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

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“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?


Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice


Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…


Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.


Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.


nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws


You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.


The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.