@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

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@good_one_rick

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@JohnHilsen

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

@handsock_butts

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

@funderlaw

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

@MNateShyamalan

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

@Ivsy01

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.