Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

💯😂

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Golf would be better with landmines.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.