Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

I would move hell over six inches for you