Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Happy thanksgiving!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.