Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire