Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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I saw this ending much differently.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?