Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.