Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.