Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Autocorrect completely socks

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’