Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

it was a valiant fight

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life