[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
God has left this place
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud