Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

This is the best one I’ve seen

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing