Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

journal

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??