Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

aesthetic

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.