Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

👍

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.