DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
You Might Also Like
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
What personal space?
My dog
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.