DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Never be a pizza!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie