devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Waiting for the Charmin
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”