devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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