devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
looks legit
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.