devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
when unicorns get really drunk
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.