Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

rebranding

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

me logging onto twitter

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples