Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

learning about math 🧐 📝

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.