Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”