developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You Might Also Like
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
So the ex texted me
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good