Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.