Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Might start laying my own eggs

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter