DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.