DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head