DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…