Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Artwork by Herta Burbe