Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
reviewed some movies recently
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
plant them where lol
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
