Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
