Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Yup.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
rise and shine we got egg
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
