Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO