Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.