Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

when nothing goes right… go left

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.