@stephenjmolloy

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

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@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@Gooooats

My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it’s less cute when you realize it’s all just bird murder practice.

@toomanycommas3

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

@TheBoydP

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@markedly

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

@lionprincessval

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

@DustinAHarkins

One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?