Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking