Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist


My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it’s less cute when you realize it’s all just bird murder practice.


Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”


I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert


This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.


Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”


I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*


One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.


Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?