Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
LA today:
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*