DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
in 3 months
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
