DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
