Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
President The Rock Obama
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
#Caturday
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Why am I like this?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds