Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.