Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

How tf did it end up there?

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti