devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Haha! 😂
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m not lazy
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?