Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

lol

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience