Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

This is a bad sign

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.