[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Breaking news:
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.