Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.