Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I don’t believe him.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
