Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
moms in horror movies
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.