Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.