Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

I have two kinds of followers

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together