DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Legend 🤣🤣
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!